Birthday Philosophy: Murder

The best thing I've been given in a really, really long time. A lesson in the life and birth of murder from a fellow victim.
"Birthdays are, of course, all about murder.

But we haven't been allowed to engage in such behavior in decades. I believe August 10th, 1952 was the last time. Ah, Reginald. You chose wisely.

However, because of the centuries of murder-on-birthdays, we have been ingrained at a cellular-subconscious level to dread them.

Someone is going to die today. You just know it.

The people who are happy on their birthdays? Murderers. Most likely in past lives.
The people who dread them? Murderees.

Now of course that's most of us. We die. It's a bummer, but what're you gonna do?

See also Faith No More's "Surprise! You're Dead!" for validation of this. Not well known, but Patton wrote that song on his birthday. For his birthday.

Now, the good news is we live in more civilized times. We only attempt to murder people because they are irritating the shit out of us. But not on birthdays.

So your dread? It is a phantom left over from a time when people might try to kill you. Nothing to worry about now!

Would you like a drink?
/smiles"

Ahahaha. God, that's wonderful. Thanks, Kickback.

Not Ironic

"Such transitions are ever full of pain: thus the Eagle when he moults is sickly; and to attain his new beak, must harshly dash-off the old one upon rocks." - Thomas Carlyle

Reading that just a moment ago could not have helped with the dread I'm already feeling for my birthday.

Leap For It, Little Ones!

This is our relationship. Take note.

And thank you, Wondermark. I laugh.

Inspiration

In the throws of Final Exams and a general feeling of inadequacy, I've taken drastic measures to lighten the mood.



The latest, in a series of attempts, has seemed to help the most:

Hugga Movie

Greetings and Salutations,

So, not to continue on and on with The Hedgehog's Dilemma from a few posts ago (here), but I snooped around Milk's deviantART gallery (here) and found a drawing he did (I forgot about) that directly relates to my dilemma. Also, just because it's adorable.


In other news, not much is happening. We're moving soon. Again. AGAIN. This time across the state. I think this move will finally suit all parties (till we decide to be awesome and flee to Canada).

A List!
A Rundown of The Recent Netflix Queue.

- All the Hayao Miyazaki movies in the world (maybe not Alllll... but some!)

----Sprited Away (absolutely my favorite. There was such a wide range of adorably awesome - from the soot sprites, to No Face, to the overly happy mouse and fly, to the three heads of amazing. It had a great story wrapped up in imagery and imagination I find myself thinking about far too often for it to only be a cartoon) 5 hugs.

----Pom Poko (the most recent viewed, very cute Raccoons with magic testicles that can shape shift. The entire plot is centered around the raccoons being driven out of their forest by humans. So, in order to get their forest back, they begin to shape shift into goblins, humans, ghosts, etc to scare the humans away) 3 hugs

----Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (it was good, but definitely not my favorite. It was a movie centered widely on environment and conservation, umm... but also about giant robot killing machines. So I'm kind of torn) 4 hugs

----Princess Mononoke (it was very weird and gross with all the leaches and boars, but still a very good story. It was one that I felt like I would have liked more if I knew more about Japanese myths and spirits, or if I was raised in that culture) 3 hugs

----My Neighbor Totoro (so far one of my favorite Miyazaki films, super adorable. Milk seems to see similarities in me and Mei. I'm okay with that. It's such a heartfelt movie that I thought ended too soon. Let alone the sheer awesome of a giant whatchamacall it, but there was also a CAT BUS!) 4.5 hugs

----Howl's Moving Castle (my second favorite Miyazaki film to date. I loved everything about Calcifer - with the American version voiced by Billy Crystal -, Sophie, and the poor scarecrow man. It was a great plot with some fantastic artwork in the midst of a fated love story) 5 hugs



- We just recently finished up the Doctor Who Key to Time special via Netflix as well. It took a while, but I'm happy with the outcome. Classic Tom Baker episodes. The specials were my first contact with Romana, and I have to say, I enjoy her. I'm not looking forward to Lalla Ward's turn at her yet; I still like Mary Tamm. In other Doctor Who news: really excited about the Easter Special airing on BBC tomorrow night. I hope, by the power of the internet, that we get it shortly after it airs. 5 hugs



- I'm so excited to begin watching Spaced. We've had it on the queue for an insanely long amount of time till they became available to us. Two episodes in and I know I love it. Oh, Simon Pegg. 4 hugs



- Feast III. Oh. My. God. What a freaking movie. We've followed the trilogy so far, due to the amount of awesome, the amount of cat raping, and the amount of pain we inflict onto Milk's cousins due to these movies. Seriously though, I could spend ten pages on the awesome that is Feast. It's just... mind.... blowing. Dude. 100,000,000 hugs

- I recently got through the last season of Dead Like Me, preparing for the eternal let down that was Dead Like Me colon The Movie. 3 hugs


Plantabulous update: I'm about to buy this on Etsy.


And these.














(Yes, I rate my movies in hugs)

Sincerely,

SEE?

Hopefully Unrelated Articles

I'm sorry to tell you this, Yahoo, but it seems like you're about five years too late on this whole made-up "facts" about macho star Chuck Norris. Jesus Christ, you think they would have gotten the memo by this point that Norris doesn't sleep, he waits and he can slam a revolving door and he can and he does and he is.... Bah!
Understandably, Yahoo sometimes has slow news nights and periods of hungover interns where all they do is reach into a bin titled "useless bullshit no one will ever pay attention to." But DAMN, at least go with something a little less overblown. Maybe some lighthearted evolution debates or another "Where's Obama's blackberry today?"
Get your shit together, Yahoo.

Also, you see that tidbit there at the bottom? Shooting spree in Alabama leaves 10 dead. That's heavy stuff South Alabama's dealing with. It's near Dothan, Alabama - if anyone is familiar.
There's just too much anger everywhere.

If I ever win Miss America, I'll use my one-wish-power to grant World Peace.

"A Collection Of Semen-Based Recipes"

Yup, that would be a real book.

One of the best threads, via WordNerd, I've seen on Go Team, Internet! in a while. Given, it's also the most disgusting, but typically that goes hand in hand with Consumators.

Manuel said,

But how much Jizz would it take to make flan? How does it store? Can a guy whack off enough in one night for the recipe?

"Alright, I went to the store for the sugar, we have everything else, here stud, fill up the cup"

Bmanda said,

Sick. I love flan but will now think of custard substitute until I can intoxicate this thought away.

bold as love said,

If jizz tasted like flan or tiramisu, I'd be more apt to swallow and give more head.

Mrs. Cakes said,

Seriously, why can't boys ejaculate skittles or something?

Skanko said,

@tiff - b/c if we could ejaculate skittles, we'd all stay home eating skittles all day.

and that would hurt the dickhole probably.

Muppy said,

That was an overheard for the ages.

Ethan said,

I mean seriously:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.

AVAILABLE IN MANY, IF NOT MOST, HOMES AND RESTAURANTS.

That's hilarious shit right there, man.

Skanko said,

What RESTAURANTS SERVE JIZZ? I want to avoid those completely. That's GOTTA be a health code violation.

Joy Defvision said,

@Skanko - Well, their goal is to NOT tell you that. :D

Skanko said,

well there goes getting Fettucini Alfredo for dinner tonight.

Etsy On My Hand

Greetings and Salutations,

After great debate and some wacky need for money, I've decided to venture down the path of Etsy. It's been a fantastic site to shop around on for one of a kind knitted Owl shoe hats (or some shit like that). But now I must whore out my talent. For some time now I've been putting together shadow boxes and collages (I've made a few at the request of family members), so I thought why not try to make some money from it.
I don't even know if I could make money at it; I don't know who would buy such overpriced things. But I'm attempting it, at least!


Here's some work I've done thus far.



I called this one Songbird Shadowbox. It might be my favorite so far, if only for the little birds. You can't tell from the picture, but I went to great lengths for those birds to be out dangling from a wire, LIVE BIRD ACTION!
Damn, it took me forever, too. It does look better in person (good thing I'm trying to sell it by the picture alone, psh). I love the little doll house mirrors that I found; I also may or may not have bought a tiny rocking chair. It makes me happy on the inside of everywhere.




And here's another that I just recently listed. I didn't know what the hell to call it, or even what the hell it is, so I went with "Modern Nature Shadow Box." Largest load of bullshit I've shoveled out in a long while.
I was at a loss for a description for this. It's simple, yet it's annoyingly junky. It's business dressy, yet it's eat a sandwich in the woods. It's organized and easy, yet it's hey look, beer pong. It's.. ..... ... I'm all out of explanations.

I also am at a loss for showing these in my photos. If anyone is good at "Ebay Photogging", please let me know what the hell I'm doing wrong.







Sincerely!

The Hedgehog's Dilemma

Greetings and Salutations,

Adorably sad irony

I really want to take a minute out of our night of Daiquiris and the innumerable amount of rented movies (Repo!, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Choke, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and another god awful Larping documentary) to tell a story close to my heart.

For years, I have bundled all of my attributes, my faults, and my self-understanding unknowingly into one philosophical analogy of the struggle for human intimacy.

Absolutely fantastic.

This analogy is commonly referred to as The Hedgehog’s Dilemma. I don’t know if my slightly creepy respect and appreciation for Hedgehogs came because I found out that I share their dilemma or if the issues followed the animal preference. Perhaps the two are mutually exclusive, which only makes it more effortless for me to believe my spirit animal is floating above me, munching on a yummy carrot.

Too cute to even make sense

We all know Hedgehogs have the intimate issue of having thorns for skin. Their prickly quills begrudgingly control the distance they must maintain in order to safely stay within reach of their companions. To only make matters worse for these defense driven creatures, in the wild they live in multiple family groups because, as protective as their quills are, they don’t provide much warmth or a thick coating of hair. In the winter, Hedgehogs are forced to huddle together for heat, so let’s just take a quick look at the logical math there.

Thousands of sharp ass quills + tightly packed Hedgehog space + delicate underbellies and eyeballs = a still slightly adorable and horrifying Hedgehogshabob.

And the analogy of human intimacy? In order for Humans to live comfortably in their lives, relationships and closeness is an important veracity. Although, just like the sharp barbs of a Hedgehog, some can’t help but hurt others or themselves in the process of getting close. The desire and the passion is there to grow in proximity, but the error of character lashes out to anyone in range.

Almost anyone who knows me well can begin to see the similarities in my character and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. It’s not that I have an outright problem with intimacy. It’s not even the typical intimate situations where I tend to be a poker (pun completely intended for the continuity of the childlike humor I possess).

My dilemma occurs at my most intimate situation where I’m open, honest, and dedicated to friendships. I’ve always had severe problems with keeping and obtaining friends, ever since I was a little Hedgehog. I don’t know why my immediate reaction to secure friendships is to duck and cover. Sadly though, it’s the case in most. I get to the point where I feel really warm and personal in a friend’s company, and then for some unknown reason I run as if there’s shrapnel littering the sky.


There are a select few in my life who are stubbornly excellent at being my friends and I am so lucky to have those people to keep coming back to me after three weeks of ignored phone calls. I send nearly all of my calls to voicemail, I say I'm going to call (never do and then avoid their calls), and I back out of plans barely an hour before I'm supposed to be there. I don’t know why they continue even trying to be my friend, but I’m so happy they do, since I’m so incapable of that type of dedication.

My friend who keeps me laughing.

My friend who keeps me loved.


My friend who keeps me sane.

I’m not just saying all of this to describe the many ways I can be the worst friend to have, but I’m saying it to possibly explain why I’m the worst friend to have. And then maybe you can begin to understand what Freud calls The Menda Dilemma (too bad that doesn’t rhyme as well as Agenda does).
Hedgehogs are fragile animals with sharp skin (I don’t know of a better way to describe myself than that). I can’t protect my delicate heart without breaking another. I’m sorry to everyone that has ever crossed my quills at some time or another.

So, to finish off my Hedgehog speech, I’m looking to get a small Hedgehog tattoo on my right foot. I haven’t found the exact pattern I want yet, although my preference is still very broad, from either a simple symbol to another full-blown adorable sketch.



This one is pretty amazing and draws again on the complete and miserable irony of a Hedgehog with a balloon. I would like to find someone who could help change the eyes a bit, to convey more of a hopeful feeling to that last balloon, instead of the sleep deprived new dad appearance. He looks like he wants to choke and die, and that's not really where the hope and faith in my spirit animal should lie.
HOPEFULLY, I'll find someone who can change this around for me sometime soon and I can get to inking.



I'll leave you now with my personal Hedgehog fortune:

Tread softly through a prickled soul.